Whispers In Shadow


June 28, 2008.

They gave me a book i had to write my thoughts in, well I’ve done that and given them what I think they want to hear. I have to pass my psyche evaluation before they let me back into the game. What a crock of shit. Anyway, it did seem to help a little. So here are a few things I did write, and some that never made it in that little book. Well it’s better than talking to myself at least.

Feb 8 1998.

My Birthday. The year I turned 37, the year my life turned to hell.

Marie Rose, Jennifer Chloe, Samantha Jean, Jessie Lynn Delaware died in a plane crash on their way to meet up with me for my Birthday. My mom and three sisters. No survivors. I wanted to die.

18 Feb 1998

Had a disagreement with my analyst, he wanted a babysitter until I pointed out that it abused my rights of doctor patient confidentiality. He now sits outside the door during my sessions with the prick.

25 march 1998

Fuck! fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, and fuck.!
I couldn’t pull the trigger!

1 April 1998

Samantha’s Birthday. I crawled into bed with a bottle and didn’t surface for two days. I was rudely awoken by pounding on my door because i missed my doc appointment. These fuck never let up. I should have made them all take separate flights, jesus christ even companies don’t put all their workers on one flight!

13 April 1998

Brice came round tonight, talked and had a beer or three. Well I did, Brice doesn’t drink. Talked about the other guys; they’re headed out on a mission next week. I begged Brice to let me go along. He said there was nothing he could do until the Doc. signs me off; and that’s gonna be while yet as I smacked the son of a bitch again. Saying I had an Oedipus complex; sic fuck.

19 April 1998

Brice has visited every night this week, I’ll miss his visits.

2 June 1998

Went home last month. It was horrible. Spent most of the time crying or drunk or both. The house needed clearing did a room at a time started with moms. It was really hard, managed to piss the neighbors off, except Mr Patterson next door. After the fire crews had gone he let me sleep on his couch while I sorted through the burnt mess and had it demolished. I gave the land to Mr Patterson to do what he wanted with, on the promise that whenever it’s possible to do so that he plant a cedar tree on the land. Mom loved cedar trees.

3 June 1998

Brice came to see me tonight. A strange night,I swear i didn’t have a drop to drink but when he left I felt like I had drunk a whole bottle of scotch and I could swear he kissed me! I’m going to bed.

4 june 1998

I slept the whole day, missed my doc’s appointment, strange thing is they didn’t come and turf me out. There was message on the answer phone, he’s signed me off but I’m not to return to active service, I’ve been transferred and I’m to wait to be contacted by my commanding officer. And that was it. WTF!!


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